the critic wants to be a writer

In progress: art walls

2011-06-24T01:46:00.007-04:00

Our living room walls have been way too bare for way too long, especially when you consider all the things we own that deserve to be hung. By the end of the month (preferably by the end of this weekend) I intend to have everything up on the walls. It's been piling up on the table and leaning up against walls for far too long; my roommate and I are finally getting our act together!

Minus the sleeping kitty, of course!

2011-06-22T15:28:00.001-04:00

The power of positive thinking is an amazing thing. I was in a bit of a funk earlier, mulling over the things in my life that are making it feel stagnant and imperfect. I decided to take a time out from that negativity and make a list of all of the things that have been making me happy the last few days. By the time I finished making that list I had a grin on my face and felt lighter than air. The things that had been clouding my line of thinking just a short while ago had evaporated pretty much completely.

Several months ago, I realized this blog had become a dumping ground for a lot of my negative thoughts. I've always felt better getting my emotions out via written words and this became my outlet for it. After a while, though, that behavior made me feel and appear like a negative Nancy. I decided to take a break from this blog and start a tumblr...one where I was only going to post/reblog things that inspired me or made me happy. Pretty, happy, positive things. It has helped a great deal. I feel like I'm a much different person than I was when I decided to take this hiatus from negativity and my blogspot. I feel much more like the person I was waaay back when and I like that person a lot. And, since I've found her again, I feel like it's a-okay for me to post here again, so long as I keep it positive.

alphastructaesthetitologist

2010-12-24T11:29:00.006-05:00

I had come across a few of Jon Contino's pieces in the past without knowing who was responsible for them. Last night, I stumbled across his website, where he claims the title of alphastructaesthetitologist; I absolutely love the title (it fits what he does perfectly!) and love his work...especially the nautical and whiskey-themed pieces (shocking, I know). I'm so excited to have found more of his work to enjoy!

Call me old fashioned...

2010-12-17T15:47:00.008-05:00

...but I'm in love with these dresses I found on modcloth.

cozy chic

2010-12-09T16:47:00.002-05:00

cozy chic by beckysassypants featuring leather shoes

comfort is key, but character is a necessity.

I have a sneaking suspicion that polyvore is going to be my new favorite addiction.

2010-12-07T14:41:00.006-05:00

I absolutely love the concept of stacking old luggage to use as a side table.

Therefore, it goes without saying that I am in love with this dresser. I want one. BADLY.

2010-12-02T11:55:00.011-05:00

pas-sion[pash-uhn]- noun

a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything: a passion for music.

Passion is something I used to have, for quite a few things, in fact.

WNHU was near the top of the list. I spent hours each day at the campus radio station, reviewing & editing albums, composing playlists, interviewing bands, tallying airplay, DJ-ing my own show, tracking records with promoters & labels, sitting in on friends' shows, training new DJs, organizing giveaways & events. WNHU was my second home. I was there between classes, on snow days, on weekends. Six years of my life were spent in the lounge, in the directors' office, in the studio. I kept the "DJ of The Week" feature going in the student paper when the original author graduated. I set up shop at shows, giving away station t-shirts & pens. I contemplated making my first tattoo a chunky set of headphones (like the ones we used in the studio) with it's cord curling into a cursive "wnhu." That station has changed a lot over the years (not necessarily for the better) and so have I (definitely for the better). I don't miss the station, per say, but I do miss the passion I had for it.

Lately, it seems like I've fallen out of love with a lot of the things that I once devoted my time to.

Radio is nonexistent. I can't remember the last time I did something creative. Aside from decorating for the holidays or baking/cooking the occasional dish, my life has been sans creativity. Sure, I make posters and fliers for work on a near daily basis but it's not the same. It's something I do because I have to. I might be able to recognize fonts with a mere glance and pick one to match an admat or provided logo to a t but it's not as rewarding as taking fabric and whipping it into something entirely different or turning a blank canvas into something beautiful & new. I'm sick of my writing only consisting of whiny rants on a blog that nobody reads; I miss writing for fun. I used to write poetry and short stories to express myself. I used to keep a journal for personal catharsis. I used to write for the university paper-- everything from news articles, to reviews, to editorials-- and I loved every bit of it. All that writing is still stashed away on my computer. It's nice to get your ideas out of your head instead of keeping them all trapped in there. I have an incredible love for words but I just haven't had the same passion for using them lately.

I've gotten so accustomed to routine, to the monotony of this job, that I've lost the passion & the motivation to do the things that made me happy. I even just used the past tense "made;" why? Does my subconscious think those same things still can't "make" me happy?

I've been in a funk lately and I can't pinpoint why. I don't know if it's related to Mother Nature's indecisiveness (maybe it's seasonal affective disorder?), the company I've been keeping, the hours I've been working but it's resulting in me wanting to do nothing other than go straight from work to home and back to work again. Well, not that I ever want to go back to work...I just don't have the desire to do anything productive in between. I just want to partake in mindless activities, tasks that don't require thought. And the more I do these things, the angrier I get with myself.

I have a sneaking suspicion that this job has something to do with it. I used to look forward to coming in but now it seems so tedious and trying. It's the same old tasks, the same old drama. and a constant reminder that I'm not using the 6 years of education I am paying so dearly for each month. And watching some of my favorite people get new, high paying jobs in their field is simultaneously making me happy and jealous. It's an awful feeling.

I miss who I was. The things I loved. The things I wanted to do.

I want that passion back. I just don't know how to find it again.

2010-11-10T16:46:00.002-05:00

I'm itching to get tattooed again. I just have to figure out what I want first and what I can afford. So many ideas (cupcakes, tea cups & teapots, whiskey barrels, favorite quotes, favorite artwork, Miller High Life girl) and so much indecision!

note to self

2010-10-29T13:50:00.001-04:00

2010-10-28T14:46:00.007-04:00

I know there are certain people I should write off completely but, for some reason, I just can't. I still find myself wishing them a happy birthday, thinking about how they are doing, wondering if they ever miss me. I always wish texts I shouldn't even have sent evoked more of a response than just a few polite words. I wish I could only remember the bad and not the good, maybe that would make it easier to move on.

On the other hand, there are plenty of people I have been able to write off and I have no regrets about doing so. I don't talk to them, I don't care how they are doing and, most of all, I don't care whether a day goes by where they regret how badly they abused our friendship. I see them interact with our mutual friends on facebook and the like and don't think about it for more than a second. Why, oh, why can't it be like that with everyone?

2010-10-28T13:23:00.000-04:00

Today marks my 3 year anniversary of working at Toad's Place. I started off in the coatroom on October 28, 2007, when Unearth was playing. I sat in the basement, alone, while empty coat hangers swung back and forth and the overhead lighting flickered with each heavy step on the "dance floor" above. It was a slow night and tips were pretty much nonexistent. Most people didn't want to spend $2 to ensure the safety of their outerwear, let alone tip the little girl taking it. They held off on removing their jackets and forking over a measly two bucks for as long as possible. Consequently, pretty much every article of clothing I checked that night was drenched in sweat, as was the money that was used to pay for it. Overweight girls were pulling sweaty dollar bills out of their shoes, camo clad boys were grabbing money out of their sweat soaked pockets; it was a lovely experience.

As the weeks passed, I worked a variety of shows and events and the tips improved. I soon worked my way up to shifts in the juice bar, selling merch, and selling tickets at the front door. About 6 months later, a full time position opened up in the box office. Because of my work ethic ("she's like a horse!"), the owner had the other girl working in the office offer it to me. I've been full time since April of '08 and, although I do my fair share of complaining, I don't regret taking a breather after grad school to work in a field totally unrelated to my degree (because you clearly don't need a Masters in Forensic Science to work at a music venue). Two months ago, I also got bumped up to a bartending position, which has been a fun experience so far. I don't want to be here for the long haul, but I intend to make the most of it for at least another year or two.

Happy anniversary, Toad's.

2010-10-22T23:28:00.001-04:00

2010-09-22T22:12:00.008-04:00

2010-09-09T22:13:00.000-04:00

2010-08-27T14:42:00.004-04:00

I want a sweet tabletop collection! But would I want it themed? Or just grouped by color?

2010-08-01T22:17:00.000-04:00

TRUTH.

2010-07-26T15:37:00.002-04:00

Last weekend I saw this at Goodwill and was crestfallen when I saw the "sold" tag on it. Even more crushed to see that the person hadn't paid for it in full and it had been sitting there for 3 weeks. I went back this Saturday and the sold tag was gone. It was replaced by my own sold tag shortly thereafter...and for half of the ticketed price! Now I get to rearrange the living room!

2010-07-24T09:13:00.002-04:00

I have spent the vast majority of the last 2 weeks being both an insomniac and a social butterfly. The last two days, I've been particularly exhausted (to the point that when I was reading the spelling of an email address out loud to my coworker to make sure it was correct I forgot what the letter "w" was called). Yesterday felt like the icing on the cake as I worked a 15 hour day. So, please, please, please, explain to me why I only slept 5 hours and woke up, unprompted, feeling reasonably refreshed. I'm working tonight so that will probably change; I have a sneaking suspicion I'll need cups of tea like this one to make it through the weekend if I want to even reasonable a functional person.

2010-07-20T20:32:00.005-04:00

Best purchase I ever made at the Goodwill. Insanely comfortable and the perfect excuse to rearrange the living room after 2 years of a nearly identical setup, too!

2010-07-20T12:47:00.006-04:00

Braved the creepiest indoor flea market in the state of CT to get these. But having a sketchy dude follow me around, ask me where I hang out, what I carry for self defense and then, essentially, propose to me, was worth it. Annnd there are 2 or 3 more waiting for me at my parents' house!

2010-07-14T12:57:00.002-04:00

One year to the day without Grandma; one year full of guilt and regret for not seeing you before you passed. I miss you and your kooky habits. The smell of your tiger balm, your "this is cracker in English; this is cracker in Spanish" statements and, most of all, crashing at your apartment in the city, hanging out while you forced Ellio's pizza and sodas on me, and looking at Grandpa's old pictures on top of your dresser.

2010-07-11T14:06:00.003-04:00

This time last year, I was going through the hardest week of my life. My boyfriend, who I was head over heels for, moved 8 hours away. He was the first person in a long time I had connected with in such a way and it was rough to have to go from seeing him every day to being thrown into a long distance relationship with only a few days warning. My grandmother, who had a heart attack in May, passed away less than a week before I was finally supposed to see her. Losing a loved one is hard enough but I had close to 2 months to see her but was so concerned with money that I pushed it off until a weekend that I already had other reasons to be in the city so that a $30 train ticket and missed shifts at work would be "worthwhile." I had never, and haven't since, felt as guilty as I did as a result of that. I found myself in a very low place that summer, full of self pity and self loathing. I wanted nothing more than to curl up in my bed and avoid everyone and everything: work, socializing, friends, family. In the year that has passed, I've come to terms with a lot of what has happened. My ex and I are never going to be in the same place that we were before he left. And no matter how much I beat myself up, I can't ever change what happened with my grandma. I have, however, realized that a lot of good things have happened to me since then. I couldn't see the positive, didn't feel I deserved anything positive, at the time but I learned from that situation. Not everything has a silver lining, or at least not one that's readily apparent, but no matter how grim the situation is you need to stay positive. Focusing on the awful, the upsetting, and the unchangeable is just going to make matters worse. I now have a permanent reminder to stay positive when it seems like my world is falling apart.

2010-07-05T19:55:00.002-04:00

'cause it's one thing to start it with a positive jam
and it's another thing to see it all through
and we couldn't even done this if it wasn't for you
we gotta stay positive

I need to get my ass to the shop and get my reminder tattooed on my arm before I totally lose my mind. And that may happen very, very soon.

2010-07-02T00:25:00.000-04:00

Literary lush. I want this.

2010-06-29T11:46:00.003-04:00

Nothing like a restless night's sleep and a single dream to dredge up old feelings and make you feel like your heart is being ripped out of your chest.

finished product!

2010-06-20T18:44:00.008-04:00

2010-06-20T17:05:00.013-04:00

Last Father's Day, my dad came up to CT and I took him to Flying Tiger to get his submarine insignia and anchor tattoos (his first, and as of now, only tattoos!). This year we're hanging out at my parents' house, BBQ-ing, drinking the champagne of beers (and ridiculous amounts of tea), fixing up another vintage Schwinn, and taking photos. Love that old fart.

2010-06-20T12:51:00.010-04:00

I cannot wait until I am financially sound enough (not to mention decide on a location) to purchase my own home. It is honestly going to be the nerdiest dwelling ever: maps, globes, tea cup light fixtures, card catalogs for storage, library ladders. I love love love apartment living (and New Haven) but am dying for a place I can customize at will with paint, permanent fixtures and the like. I've got a million ideas and can't wait to put them into full effect. It doesn't help that I've been finding photos like the ones below...

2010-06-15T12:46:00.006-04:00

I don't know where I would put them but I seriously want to start collecting globes; especially older ones with awesome stands.

2010-06-10T12:41:00.001-04:00

tea fiend

2010-06-09T13:35:00.004-04:00

I don't just want this, I need this.

2010-06-08T16:06:00.002-04:00

Today, my old man emailed my brother and me his favorite photo from when we were kids; from the way it's scanned it looks like I have demon eyes but, that aside, it still brings back a flood of good memories. My family has always been extremely close and living 4 hours from my parents and 7.5 hours from my brother for the last several years has been rough.

2010-06-07T12:18:00.003-04:00

I'm missing Siren this year...but there's no way I'm making it through the summer without at least one trip to Coney Island. I haven't been since last July and my usual summertime longing to wander the boardwalk and take pictures under the pier and harass my cousin as he works in Astroland is starting to kick in.

2010-05-26T12:57:00.005-04:00

When I'm done with apartment living, there is going to be a room in my house with a map theme or a huge map as the focal point. Love, love, love this stuff.

2010-05-18T17:03:00.002-04:00

rain, rain go away...so i can start riding this baby to work.

2010-05-12T14:17:00.007-04:00

I am absolutely in love with every aspect of this. The artwork is by Whitney Lenox.

2010-05-11T15:16:00.002-04:00

Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. - Voltaire

This quote is the only thing getting me through a very trying (and tiring) day.

2010-05-09T20:53:00.011-04:00

i spent less than $23 on 22 items at the goodwill today! my mom's mother's day gifts-- the matching saucepan & casserole dish...with lids & still in the original packaging!-- were the most costly, at $3.99 each. ridiculous. it's a good thing my dad & roommate don't read this or else their father's day & birthday gifts, respectively, would be ruined. dad's getting the "canoes" wall hanging & morg is getting the owl mug since she's a tad bit in love with them...otherwise, i'd keep it for myself!

2010-05-09T10:01:00.003-04:00

as much as i love the trivet i found yesterday, what i still really want is this:

found it on etsy a while back but it sold before i could buy it. still bummed about it. the colors are perfect for my kitchen!

today's thrift store scores

2010-05-08T20:20:00.006-04:00

2010-05-08T11:15:00.000-04:00

*meow*

2010-05-07T11:42:00.000-04:00

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

— Mark Twain

2010-05-06T12:57:00.000-04:00

I would love anything and everything from this page. Please & thanks.

2010-05-01T18:32:00.004-04:00

I want to see the new Nightmare on Elm Street but have other stuff to do this weekend so I guess I'll have to settle for taking photos (hopefully better ones tomorrow) of buildings that were used in the original. What up, Potsdam?!

2010-04-29T10:37:00.005-04:00

Thanks to ffffound.com, I've been stumbling upon a lot of artists whose work I absolutely love. For example:
Ken Wong&
Luke Bott

2010-04-27T14:31:00.001-04:00

It hadn't been a day when everything had turned out right –
She called me up and asked me to come over in the night,
To make her cups of tea and listen quietly as she starts
To list the latest list of bastards who have trampled on her heart.

I see her in the nightclubs, I see her in the bars,
At rooftop after-parties, or crammed into friends' cars,
And we talk about the weather, and how she drowns her pain in drink,
And I nod and never ever dare to tell her what I think.

She summers by my seas
But winters without me,
And she cries into her tea
That she's secretly lonely.
And oh me, what am I to do?
It's obvious to me,
But she never seems to see
That it's not about the days when everything has turned out right,
No it's more about the moments when she calls me in the night
To make her cups of tea and wash the weary worries from her head
And then to draw the pain out slowly as I put her into bed.

And I slip this information
Into all our conversations
But she never seems to listen
And she never seems to see.

Frank Turner "A Decent Cup of Tea"

2010-04-21T10:02:00.002-04:00

I wish I was this badass.

2010-04-20T14:32:00.000-04:00

yes, please.

2010-04-18T14:50:00.003-04:00

WANT

2010-03-22T20:27:00.004-04:00

see you soon.

2010-03-19T15:42:00.000-04:00

I wasn't lying about the hot air balloons.

2010-03-18T12:21:00.003-04:00

I grew up in a rural area and during the warmer months it wasn't at all unusual for hot air balloons to land in the fields around our house.

2010-03-06T11:53:00.003-05:00

it's march 6th and i still haven't taken scissors to my hair. i can't believe it.

2010-02-25T11:50:00.002-05:00

Is it wrong to say that I want you
or tell you how much that it hurts to face another day without you
They say that less is more and some things are worth waiting for
but baby all I need right now is so much more of you

Been listening to Dying Wish Records' From Brooklyn With Love compilation a lot during my drive time this past week. Hello, senior year of high school...

2010-02-10T22:12:00.001-05:00

lately, i've been doing a lot of thinking about someone i haven't thought about in a long time and i certainly shouldn't be thinking about now.

2010-02-04T23:42:00.002-05:00

this photo sums up a good portion of my childhood. holy shit, lisa frank.

2010-01-24T21:01:00.001-05:00

every winter i decide i want to grow my hair out (at least long enough so i can donate it). by the middle of february i end up taking a pair of shears to it. let's see how long i make it this time.

2010-01-22T13:16:00.002-05:00

holy shit, i want this replica globe bar from sky mall. too bad it's $189.

2010-01-13T22:25:00.000-05:00

Apparently, my soul-mate does exist...just in cartoon form.

2010-01-11T21:21:00.000-05:00

2010-01-08T09:44:00.001-05:00

Lately, I've been feeling a little trapped in the life I lead. Kind of like a ship in a bottle.

2010-01-06T20:46:00.003-05:00

2009 had its moments but, while I'll cherish the good ones, I'm ready to move on.

2009-12-27T11:01:00.000-05:00

She was such a tiny little thing last year!

2009-12-25T16:23:00.000-05:00

'tis better to give...

2009-12-24T13:49:00.002-05:00

So excited to give my family their presents!

My mom was just talking about how the version of A Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart was on last night; she then proceeded to ramble about how much she loves it and that it's one of her favorite movies. Little does she know, she's getting that on dvd from me! I bought it over a year ago and have been holding onto it impatiently since I found something else that I just had to give her last Christmas. So pumped to see her reaction!

Also can't wait to see my brother's reaction when he pulls David Cross' "I Drink for a Reason" out of the gift bag it's currently occupying. We both went a little over the price limit we agreed on but it's going to be totally worth it. After he reads it, I'm going to have to borrow it; I was tempted to read it before I packed it up, ha.

I said I still had to wrap my dad's gift (a few of his favorite candies) and he proceeded to stick out his arms and I said I'd put a bow on them, seeing as this is the third and final holiday his tattoos will be considered a gift for. :)

holy shit.

2009-12-12T15:07:00.004-05:00

7 years ago yesterday, this is what I looked like. I was a freshman at UNH and Meg and I, having only known each other a few months, were attached at the hip. Now, she's married, living in Italy, and we don't even talk (we aren't even friends on facebook anymore). I'm still in New Haven, now with a M.S. in Forensic Science and a job in the music industry. And neither of us looks anything like that.

It's crazy how much time changes everything.

2009-12-12T14:26:00.003-05:00

I want to make these for a party. Also, every time I look at this, I start singing Neutral Milk Hotel.

2009-12-12T13:58:00.003-05:00

Even though my immediate family consists of my parents and one brother, I have a huge extended family. I'm not exaggerating when I say it's huge; I have 50 first cousins on my dad's side alone. There are a lot of relatives I've only met a few times in my life and I don't see the majority of them very often. Usually, when I do, it's at a sad event: a funeral or a memorial service or something of the sort. For that reason, I've decided I'm grabbing every positive opportunity to see these people who share my genes, no matter what it takes. Today, one of my cousins that I've seen probably 4 times in the last 6 years is having a party for her daughter's 16th birthday. I made the 4 hour drive home from New Haven so I can attend it this evening with my parents. I'll be making the 4 hour drive back tomorrow evening. But, you know what? It's worth it. Absolutely, totally, 100% worth it. The last time I saw most of these relatives was last Christmas at another cousin's funeral; I don't want to wait for those situations to arise for me to see family.

2009-12-09T22:36:00.003-05:00

This makes me miss my dad like crazy. Super pumped I get to see my parents this weekend!

2009-12-07T20:39:00.003-05:00

It always annoyed the piss out of me when people, upon finding out I had a masters degree in Forensic Science, would question why I worked at a music venue. This last week, I've been asking myself that daily.

If I were to use said degree, I'd probably be making twice as much money and with half as much stress.

2009-12-06T18:10:00.002-05:00

Normal people probably don't get super excited over cleaning products; I, however, do. This shit's awesome. Spill something? This will get it up. Get fed up with the stains on the carpet of the apartment you moved into a year and a half ago? This will get it out. My roommate lived here with another friend for at least a year prior to me moving in; the stains on our living room carpet preceded their arrival. This stuff got it out. I am so pumped. And it smells awesome to boot.

2009-12-05T19:07:00.002-05:00

2009-12-01T20:50:00.002-05:00

Whether you despise felines or adore them, I can pretty much guarantee you'll love this. In fact, I'd venture to say that the only people who wouldn't like this are the rare few who completely lack a sense of humor. My friend Sean sent me the link to this today and I was literally crying at my desk. I'd highlight my favorite parts but I don't want to spoil it for anyone.

Yo, Monday...go screw!

2009-11-23T22:20:00.003-05:00

Monday is seriously winning. Let me explain how:
1. I put my shirt on inside-out this morning. I wore it that way until about 2 minutes before I rushed out the door to catch my bus. Sure, I caught it...so it seems like I'd get that point but, in my rush to turn it right-side out and still make it to the bus stop, I got sidetracked and neglected to put on deodorant. I spent the whole day fretting I'd end up smelling like my boss.

2. Rush myself to the bus (freezing because who knew it was scarf weather after all the glorious indian summer days we've been having? Not this girl, that's for sure!), board and put my bus pass in the reader upside down. Thankfully, my bus driver loves me and the machine didn't jam, so it wasn't nearly as embarrassing or awful as it could have been.

3. Get to work, go about my business and say 'Hey, maybe today won't be soooo awful.' My coworker shows up and abruptly points out a disgusting cockroach roaming around on my processor. I smash the disgusting little guy (amidst a great deal of gagging & shrieking) and go back to my checklist. As I pass by later, the half-crushed nuisance is still crawling around. Smashfest 2 ensues.

4. My manager doesn't show up until late afternoon; he asks which nights I requested off to which I replied 'Wednesday and Friday...and I'd prefer not to work Saturday but if no one else can I will.' This means the only night I can work this week is Tuesday. I need the money like whoa. He knows I need the money like whoa. Schedules come out and what do I have? Absolutely nothing.

5. After bitching and moaning, I try to see the bright side. I can spend Thurs-Sun at my parents' for a nice, long Thanksgiving weekend. After getting pumped up on the thought of it, my friend texts to say she can't work Saturday; I'm the only one that can potentially work. I give up my long weekend in exchange for what will probably be enough money to cover the gas I'll be spending to get home from a now-shortened weekend in NY.

6. After observing 'Mental Health Monday' (aka relishing the fact that our boss leaves early on Mondays to go to his workout and then sharing a few shots) with my colleague, I decide I'm going to come home and rot my brain with some Gossip Girl (judge all you want but that shit's addictive). My roommate is actually home and watching John & Kate Plus Eight. Whaaat?!

7. I then decide that I'm going to use my free time to cook up stuff in my fridge/freezer to have for lunch and dinner the next few days. I make my turkey loaf and then realize I need a few things to make the broccoli & cheese chicken I've been craving. I go to Stop & Shop, get everything I need to make that and banana bread (since I keep forgetting to eat the bananas I buy before they are disgustingly ripe), get some olive oil heated up in a sauce pan, open the package of chicken I just defrosted and get hit with the overwhelming, foul aroma of chicken gone bad. Fuckin' A.

The sad part is there are a bunch of things I'm not remembering the specifics of right now. I do know Monday made it into the double digits in its wins while I remained at 0.

Lame.

2009-11-14T14:33:00.003-05:00

This dealbreaker totally hit home. Can we talk about how difficult it was to date a dude who was clean & sober and regularly attended A.A.? I'm the most socially awkward girl ever and alcohol definitely makes the whole hanging out/dating/making out with a new dude thing less nerve-wracking.

2009-11-14T13:54:00.002-05:00

Figures, I planned on being super productive today so I feel like total hell. Yesterday, despite being exhausted, I ran all my errands after work so they wouldn't interfere with what I wanted to/needed to do today. All I wanted to do before work tonight is demolish the huge pile of laundry in closet, go to a laundromat and clean my comforter and huge fleece blanket in preparation for the winter weather that's just around the corner, take my jacket to be dry-cleaned, and continue to clean my room (which looks vastly better than it did when I got home from work last night). Sounds easy enough. But this splitting headache and churning stomach are stopping that. Instead, I'll be perched on my bed, reading numerous dealbreakers and giggling over way too many episodes of The Office & It's Always Sunny.

2009-10-17T10:05:00.002-04:00

Silly me. What I thought was a 4-day workweek was actually the first 1/3 or so of an 11-day workweek. At least "work" on Sunday will consist of sitting around and watching NFG load in while I answer phones and repeat "Yes, we still have tickets for tonight but you better get here early if you want one."

2009-10-15T10:19:00.003-04:00

There have been two sets of lyrics stuck in my head for the last two days. Just the two on repeat, switching back and forth.The first is from a band I saw probably a few too many times while I was on vacation last week. The second is from a band I saw play their "last" show almost 2 years ago, that I will be seeing again next Friday. For some reason, these two simple sets of words have held a hell of a lot of meaning for me, so, I figured I might as well share them with anyone who stumbles across my boring ol' blog.

From ETID'S "Buffalo 666":
Despite what you think
I can offer you nothing
I'm seasick and strung out and tired of adjusting

From Hot Rod Circuit's "The Best You Ever Knew":
It's hard to be strong when your heart is weak
and your head is barely sown on
when your taste is bitter sweet
and you're singing the same old song

While it's only a 4-day workweek for me, this week has the potential to be one of the toughest, most awkward weeks I've had to deal with in a while. After moving 8 hrs away for 3 months, breaking my heart and not speaking to me for a solid month, the ex is back in town and back in my life; the boy I crushed on forever who continually got my hopes up is back in the picture and, this time, seems genuine in his interest and intentions; I have a million things to do; work is busy but boring as ever; and I'm stuck pondering some difficult choices. At least, I'll have these songs to comfort me as I get through it all?

2009-10-15T00:00:00.002-04:00

Looking at old pictures from a time when you were bone-thin and adorable is a bad idea when you're feeling pudgy and plain. Ugh. Depressing.

2009-10-09T22:41:00.002-04:00

It's been like a million years (or a month, if you want to get technical) since I posted anything here. It's been an interesting month, to say the least.

New tattoo, new friends, old friends/boyfriends popping back into my life, a vacation from work and a hell of a lot of stories to tell...but this is neither the time nor the place for those stories. Looking forward to a few more adventures this weekend before I head back to New Haven and Toad's and awkward situations come Monday/Tuesday.

GPOYW

2009-09-09T22:15:00.005-04:00

...or "White Wine Wednesday?" Allison, I'm finally cracking into that bottle you gave me for my birthday last year. I'm generally not one for white wine but this is delicious. Good job, girlie...and good job, Alice White!

2009-09-08T09:19:00.004-04:00

Constantly finding things I love via ffffound.com. This emphasizes something I realized (re-realized?) this morning: I always over-think things. I spent last week panicking about one situation and this morning I found out there was no need; everything turned out as I had hoped, not as I had expected.

All I can hope now is that the other situations I've been agonizing over work themselves out as well...I need to remember the other advice on this list.

2009-09-01T21:01:00.002-04:00

In the grand scheme of things, I've always been mature for my age. When it comes to relationships, however, I'm pretty much stuck at the level of a 13 year old girl. I crush often, fall fast and, when it comes down to it, I have no clue what I'm doing and spend the vast majority being scared shitless.

2009-08-28T09:27:00.002-04:00

Once upon a time I was 18 and learning to merengue in Costa Rica. Funny, I was in a foreign country with a bunch of people I barely knew and I was less scared than I am right now in a place I've lived for years, surrounded by people I adore.

2009-08-28T00:32:00.003-04:00

It's funny, the remedy for a broken heart and pulling the most boring double ever at work are exactly the same: a glass of cab-merlot and some Chelsea Lately. Thank you, Santa Ema, for the wine-stained lips and temporary distraction.

2009-08-27T09:49:00.002-04:00

Lucky feline, this is how I want to spend my day. Instead, I'm pulling a double.

2009-08-23T11:27:00.004-04:00

I'm lucky I have a mechanic for a dad. It compliments the fact that my car is a p.o.s.

2009-08-17T09:42:00.002-04:00

One of the best features about the internet is being able to find totally random things that appeal to your tastes.

2009-08-12T21:31:00.004-04:00

After (at least) a full week of my head being a complete mess, I think I finally have things all worked out and my mind back in order. And I feel really good about the conclusions I've come to. Let's just hope I'm not the only one that feels that way.

I don't care what unforeseen messes, tasks, or schedule changes tomorrow brings, I am finally taking care of the things that have been tearing me apart. I think that quote I found the other day from Grace Murray Hopper helped. Mainly because it's 110% percent true. A ship is safe in port but it's meant to be out on the seas. Playing it safe all the time might keep you from getting hurt but we're supposed to put ourselves out there because, if we don't, we'll miss out on the greatest opportunities and adventures that life has to offer.

One of my friends is probably going to kill me if it works out as I hope it does but I'm willing to take that chance :)

2009-08-11T22:43:00.002-04:00

A ship in port is safe,
but that's not what ships are built for.
- Grace Murray Hopper

2009-08-06T13:12:00.001-04:00

I consistently forget that the people you care for most are the ones who have the potential to hurt you the worst, whether it's intentional or not.

Warning: this is full of whining and self pity

2009-08-05T09:43:00.006-04:00

Is it bad that I almost cried when Tim Kasher sang the words "I spent the best years of my life waiting on the best years of my life" last night? Between the lyrics, their perceived relevance to my life, and his voice, always dripping with intense emotion, I almost lost it. I'm sure the fact that I had just suffered through the most painful, depressing text conversation of my life didn't help. Who wants text messages leaving you 99% certain that your boyfriend will be turning an extended stay in Ohio to a permanent one when you're out attempting to have fun with your friends? This sucks, for lack of a better term. I adore him, for lack of a better term...but I don't think I can handle a long distance relationship when what I really want is the relationship part. I want someone to spend my time with in person, not over the phone and in text messages. Those things are far less effective than a hug and a whisper in your ear when your grandma dies or your whole world feels like it's falling apart. And this last month or so, that's what my life has been. Text messages and phone calls don't cut it when you have big, exciting news and all you want is to see the smile on that person's face when you tell them. Planning to see each other for a weekend here or a weekend there just doesn't cut it. I feel like, if we had been together longer before he left then maybe it would work. But we didn't have all that much time together before he had to pack everything up and drive 8 hrs west. And I just don't fucking know what to do...aside from bitch about it on the internet and cry myself to sleep, which I did for the first time in a long time last night. So there you have it, Internet...I'm a big crybaby who misses her boyfriend and posts my feelings on my blog instead of telling him how much this is killing me. We're supposed to see each other in about 2 and 1/2 weeks...we'll see if that happens and if I manage to sort all these shitty emotions out before then.

2009-07-29T09:17:00.002-04:00

Reasons why last night rocked:

+ I became the owner of this, and for less than they were asking! Can't wait until my dad brings it up from NY.

+ Happening upon trivia night at Buffalo Wild Wings (which happened to be hosted by the same guy that set up the male revues at my work) and vying for the lead all night. We came in 2nd, losing by just 3 questions. Which is even more exciting because we lost to a group of Yalies. Funny enough was the fact that their team name was "The Historians" and they didn't even win the history category, ha. Shelley, Corey and I are going to go back and kick some ass some other Tuesday night.

+ Andrew's birthday party! My favorite part was pointing out that his neighbors were all staring out their window watching us and Andrew waved at them as a result, suckas.

Tonight's going to be just as awesome. After work a bunch of us are gonna check out Sushi on Chapel. Anyone that wants to join let me know; we're up to about 6 of us right now and anything 8 or more requires a reservation. After that, Morgan, Jamie and I are going to lurk around Yale and then meet up with my friend for drinks downtown.

Also can't wait for this weekend! Big plans including (but not limited to) and weather depending: a tour of the crypt at the Green, a Yale tour if they're going on this summer, thrifting/tag-saling/crafting, museums, and a picnic/exploration at either Lighthouse Point Park or Fort Nathan Hale. We're gonna be busy, busy, busy. Also can't forget that Jamie and I will be singing along to "More Than Words" at the top of our lungs because Extreme is playing at work on Saturday. :)

2009-07-26T13:56:00.000-04:00

I bet none of you are sitting around, drinking tea, listening to Navy/fishing stories and watching/listening to sea chanteys on youtube with your dad. Sunday WIN.

2009-07-25T19:17:00.004-04:00

Note to self: listen to your own instincts and stop heeding fashion advice from everyone else.

For the longest time, everyone told me black would be a terrible color choice for my hair. Guess what, I love it. So do a lot of other people.

I've had long, swoopy bangs to hide behind for as long as I can remember. Whenever I wanted to try something new, everyone always cautioned me against short bangs, telling me they wouldn't look good. Guess what. I think they do!

2009-07-22T22:44:00.001-04:00

If anyone has junky furniture they're just going to toss, please let me know. My friend and I want it for art projects. Please and thanks.

We have big ideas; we just need the materials to carry them out. :)

my lifelong "to do" list keeps getting shorter

2009-07-20T21:45:00.005-04:00

- walk across the Brooklyn Bridge:CHECK.

2009-07-09T23:59:00.002-04:00

This is my friend Karen's brand new daughter, Amy Elizabeth. She's less than 4 days old, tiny, and absolutely precious. I'm the 25 year old female who is scared shitless and worried she's about to break her. I clearly don't have a maternal bone in my body. But, despite my distaste for children and babies, I think Amy is incredible, much like her big sister and her super awesome mom and dad.

2009-07-09T23:15:00.003-04:00

Your half-empty bottle of orange Gatorade is here. You're not. It's sitting next to me, on the bedside table. I'd much rather have you next to me, in my bed...even if it means being tickled and put in holds and scratched with rough feet. I'd pretty much give anything to have you here and not several states away, indefinitely. I think I could almost tolerate you being in said state for a few months as long as I knew for certain you'd be coming back at the end. This is going to be hell. Or, maybe, it already is.

2009-07-05T10:31:00.000-04:00